Charmin Named Official Bathroom Tissue of the University of Texas
AUSTIN, TX — In a groundbreaking partnership that surprised absolutely no one, Charmin announced Tuesday that it has signed a multiyear agreement to become the official bathroom tissue of the University of Texas.
University officials described the partnership as “a natural fit.”
“Texas has always demanded the softest, most comfortable experience possible,” said one university spokesman. “And our schedule isn't exactly known for being rough.”
The announcement immediately left Texas fans experiencing a confusing combination of anger and happiness.
Some were reportedly furious that their beloved university had been compared to toilet paper.
Others were furious that the toilet paper company hadn't signed the deal sooner.
“I don't know how I feel about this,” said longtime Texas fan Cletus McWharton, while holding a roll of Charmin under his arm. “On one hand, they're calling us soft. On the other hand, it's two-ply, so that's pretty classy.”
The sponsorship agreement reportedly includes new signage throughout Darrell K Royal–Texas Memorial Stadium, Charmin-branded restroom facilities, and a promotional campaign built around the slogan:
“HOOK 'EM, WIPE 'EM.
Texas officials insisted the sponsorship has nothing to do with the Longhorns' schedule.
“Absolutely not,” said the spokesman. “The fact that our schedule is softer than a freshly opened package of Ultra Soft is purely coincidental.”
Charmin executives disagreed.
“We studied the Texas schedule very carefully,” said company representative Bobby Softwood. “Frankly, it was the easiest sponsorship decision we've ever made.”
The deal also reportedly includes a unique NIL component.
According to sources, Texas fans have discovered that rival fan bases may actually be contributing indirectly to the Longhorns' recruiting budget.
One Texas fan explained the situation:
“When Auburn rolls Toomer's Corner, our NIL fund goes up. And when some Bammer puts toilet paper on a Tide box, we get a new quarterback.”
The statement was immediately followed by several minutes of confused cheering.
Some Texas fans reportedly weren't sure whether they should be offended by the toilet-paper comparison or grateful that Alabama and Auburn fans might be helping fund the program.
“It's complicated,” said another fan. “We're soft, but apparently we're also profitable.”
Charmin executives say they are already working on additional Texas-themed products, including Longhorn Ultra Soft, Hook 'Em Double Ply, and a limited-edition SEC Road Game Emergency Roll.
The latter reportedly contains enough sheets to survive an entire Texas road trip.
Meanwhile, university officials say they are embracing the partnership.
“We've spent years telling everybody that Texas is back,” the spokesman said. “Now we're finally prepared for whatever happens next.”
He then paused.
“And if it doesn't work out, at least we've got plenty of toilet paper.”
Charmin and Texas: Softness You Can Believe In.