JACKSON, MS — In what state officials are calling “a completely reasonable response to a completely unreasonable situation,” Mississippi has announced a statewide review of birth certificates for children born between 2020 and 2025.
The reason?
Apparently, too many Mississippi children were given the names Lane or Kiffin.
Under the newly announced Mississippi Child Name Correction and Lane Kiffin Prevention Act, state employees will reportedly examine thousands of birth certificates looking for children whose names might cause “unnecessary confusion, football-related embarrassment, or excessive use of the phrase ‘Hotty Toddy.’”
“If we find a Lane, we're going to have to take a closer look,” said one unnamed state official. “And if we find a Kiffin, we're probably going to assume the parents were watching too much football.”
Officials say the affected children will not be left without names. Instead, the state has prepared a list of replacement names that are considered “more appropriate for Mississippi.”
Among the proposed replacements are:
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Billy Ray Possum
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Jebediah “Jeb” Tater
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Cletus Bocephus
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Bubba Dale
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Dewayne Grits
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Earl Wayne Mudflap
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Cooter Ray
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Billy Joe Catfish
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Junior Lee Pickens
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Buckshot McGraw
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Darryl “Two-Toes” Jenkins
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Waylon Beauregard
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Skeeter Ray
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Hank “Possum” Treadwell
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Jethro Earl
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Bocephus “Bo” McNugget
Parents will reportedly have 30 days to select a replacement name before the state assigns one automatically.
Officials say the automatic process will be based on several important factors, including the father's favorite NASCAR driver, the mother's favorite casserole, the nearest hunting club, and whether the family owns a four-wheeler.
One state employee explained the process this way:
“We ain't trying to hurt nobody's feelings. We're just trying to make sure Mississippi children have names they can grow into.”
The announcement has already caused confusion among parents.
One father reportedly received a letter informing him that his son Lane would henceforth be known as “Billy Ray Tater, Junior.”
The father appealed.
The state reportedly changed the child's name to “Billy Ray Tater, Junior II.”
Meanwhile, officials say the investigation will continue until every birth certificate from 2020 through 2025 has been thoroughly examined.
“We don't know how many Kiffins we're dealing with,” the official said. “That's what we're trying to find out.”
When asked whether the state had considered simply leaving the children alone, the official paused.
“That sounds like something Lane Kiffin would say.”
The investigation is expected to continue through football season.